“Expectation is the root of all heartache.”- William Shakespeare

Coming from a generation which has seen both the black and white TV and the colour (LCD, LED, HD, etc.) TV; a generation that started with the landline telephone with the rotary dial and the long wire and has now moved to the multi-tasking smart phone; a generation that enjoyed writing long loving letters and is now restricted to a few emoticons; and a generation which had a simple and unadulterated childhood, today, I find myself moving into an ever-confusing adulthood.

Home was a happy space; the patterns were clear – a mother who took care of home and a father who took care of work outside home and three little girls who took care of the constant commotion at home. The roles were apparent and well-defined, and if there were any discussions between the parents, they were usually about the constantly increasing needs of the growing children and the insufficient inflow of the M-factor. Discussed, done and dusted. But today, as a married adult with a seven-year old son, I find myself discussing and debating about almost everything on earth (including the ‘not-enough-rest’ during my periods) with my husband!

We are constantly debating who switches off the alarm first thing in the morning, who wakes up first, who does the bed, who makes the coffee, who gets our son to brush and bath (most-challenging) and who gets him ready for school, who cuts the vegetables and who cooks (of course, the onus of WHAT is being cooked seems to always be on me), who gets to read the main sheet of the newspaper and who gets the entertainment section for the morning read, what dress to wear, what time to leave home and who picks up the key before you lock the door! Thank God, there’s work in between, the debating can take some rest. By evening, it begins again - who picks up the kid, who makes him do his homework, who gets him to change, who makes the coffee again, who gets the washing machine running, who dries the clothes, who cooks dinner, who cleans the table, which channel to watch (if at all there is any time left after the cartoon-time) and who puts the kid to bed!

The deliberations never seem to end, I keep thinking, ‘my parents never discussed so much’. Why are we so confused as a generation? Why are we struggling to come to terms with our duties and responsibilities? Even after being married for these many years (precisely ten next year), why haven’t we made up our mind on who will do what? That’s a question which keeps dogging my mind (may be, his mind too) day and night. We are not wicked individuals or rivals at war, in fact, we are a mature-loving couple, we are soul-mates. The problem is, we just can’t seem to find the in-between path.

But then, as I ponder about it more and more, I realise the seed was sown long back, we are just bearing the fruits now. The values and beliefs that we uphold now were instilled in us when we were kids, our parents and grand-parents have built it into our system. ‘To be honest, to be sincere, to work hard and to enjoy the fruit of your labour’ - all these ideals were imparted in us by our parents consciously and repeatedly, but somewhere involuntarily they have also instilled some gender roles in us. What my parents taught we could do and aspire to be as girls/women have many times contradicted what my mother did and aspired to be! She sacrificed her career to nurture and raise three confident girls. I am sure, my husband brings his own learning and expectations to our married life. He grew up seeing his mother working hard both within their home and outside. Though our parents have always tried to ‘speak’ into us the right path, we as individuals have imbibed a lot from their ‘unspoken’ words too.

Coming back to today, even with all the heated discussions and animated debates between my husband and me, I wonder if I can contribute in any way to make my son and his future partner’s life any better… I think it’s easier said than done! But, I am going to try and do it and I am sure I will try and get my husband to do it too. Our small conscious efforts might one day make two people’s lives better. Our own little ways include – to never show girls as weaker beings (if my husband cleans the fan this week, I do it the next week), to say it’s okay for boys to cry (we refrain from using the sentence, ‘don’t cry like a girl’), to clear up the toys after his play-time and put them in their places, to help lay the table (plates and water) before meal-time, to leave his plate at the kitchen-sink after finishing his meal, tidy-up the place if he spills something and of course, the project underway right now, is to make his own bed!

In simple terms, I am teaching my son to go about life doing his chores for himself, so that he doesn’t expect his better half to come as a saviour (doing and finishing things left undone/half-done) but rather as a companion with whom he can live life peacefully. These unassuming things might help him minimize the unnecessary debates and maximize purposeful and meaningful conversations. These simple acts might lead him to live a confident life wherever and with whomever he lives it. These self-effacing actions might just make the world a better place to live in for him and his partner. In simple terms, it might just help him be less confused (like my husband or me) and be more clear and focused.