“The next time you have oral sex or masturbate, know that you are committing a crime. The section 377 criminalizes all except penis-vaginal sex. Think about it. And it presumes to be able to control nature through legislation? Nothing can be more stupid then that” – Mona Ambegaonkar

I begin my piece this week with a status update my friend Mona Ambegaonkar put up on her Facebook page a short while ago.

Now, tell me, isn’t it bizarre that this is the 21st century and as we head to the achievement of a global conscience with the internet linking thought processes across the world with each other, shouldn’t it be appropriate for us to be asking why, that when perhaps one third of the people who inhabit planet earth are homosexual, that is if we are to take to account also those still in the closet; an archaic legislation made in 1860 criminalizing consensual sex between two adults belonging to the same sex, is not abolished by the Honourable Supreme Court of India, and therefore why every Indian who chooses to do with his or her body what he or she wishes to do, must endure himself or herself as criminal?

The fact is that oral sex when had, between consenting married couples, man and woman, inside their bedrooms is also criminal in India, but let us leave the heterosexual thing aside for the time being, and focus on the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transsexual, pansexual thing. Some Activists claim that referring to a same-sex relationship as a “gay relationship” or a “lesbian relationship” is a form of Bisexual erasure, but we will leave that aside too.

When I went to my twitter page this afternoon, what caught my attention was that a second monkey was being sent from mother earth to space by Iran.

Also couple of days ago, I read that a scientist in UK believes, and promises to prove it very soon, that zillions of centuries ago, it was the mating between a Chimpanzee and a Pig, that gave birth to the first human being in this world.

Was it Adam first, or Eve? That is yet to be figured out.

However, my first thought was, ‘Oh My God! I eat pork, and does that mean that I am a cannibal?’

Next thought …, ‘What will the Hindu’s do now? Will they start to worship the Pig along with the Holy Cow?’

And then what followed that thought was…., ‘What will the Muslims do? Will they thank their own God for commanding them to not eat pork, and therefore begin to worship Islam more fervently for showing them the path over 1400 years ago?’

I also figured as my thoughts trailed along, that Muslims would now be feeling exultant that they finally have an answer for why their theology does not license them to eat Pork?

But when this afternoon, I read about the second Monkey being sent to space by Iran, my first thought was, ‘Oh My God!’

Second thought again was, ‘Oh My God!’…

‘What if once upon a time, there was a civilization experimenting, and sending Monkeys’ to space, and one of the capsules carrying a Monkey went off the radar, and landed on a planet which we now call earth?’

I began to suddenly and excitedly feel the words of the author Eric Van Daniken, who I used to love to read many years ago, and who managed to change the way I thought radically in those days when I read the book ‘Chariots of the Gods’ over and over again.

I remembered he had written somewhat like this: that if those times and those stories that we call our mythologies now, were to be true to be christened our History, we were undoubtedly a tribal race. Then, the Gods who came on carriers as so described in the Mahabarata and other Indian legends; were none other than people from another dependably avant-garde planet, who landed in their shuttles to teach us a thing or two about ourselves and our battles. What they donned glittered in comparison to what we wore, and what they cruised in when they alighted from the brightly lit skies, seemed like beautiful zeppelins, which we call sublimely embellished chariots today.

Then my mind darted onwards and I wondered, ‘What if the Monkey who went off the radar, and who landed on mother earth at that time, found only Pigs living here,’ and ‘What if the horny f**** bas**** got a Pig in a weak moment and managed to angle his penis to penetrate her vagina?’

I don’t know how it works with Pigs, but I’m assuming it works with them almost in the same manner that it works with dogs, and trust me, when my dog Charlie gets horny, he can even hump the curtains in the living room, which by the way, really pisses my mother off. That’s when she lets me have it about Charlie and how distressed she is that we have to make this huge black dog suffer in a tiny Mumbai suburban apartment?

On other occasions I do find her secretly chatting with him, and therefore know that she actually does love a sometimes concupiscent Charlie and doesn’t hate him for being a carnal cur periodically.

However, coming back to the truth about Pigs and Chimpanzee’s, here it is. We all know that Monkeys had something to do with our presence on mother earth, but the Pigs? That is still a bit hard to digest.

So returning to the P’s and C’s, I went on to Google some pictures of Pig’s and actually started to believe the probers’ theory when I looked at their faces intensely, perhaps for the first time in my life. Oh those gentle eyes and those pigmented eyelashes, those awesome noses which through evolution and currently with nose jobs, have conceivably developed in ways to define beauty in human beings!

The ears were my only concern, but then progressive regeneration across centuries, could certainly have had something to do with them too.

Then other affinities raced in my head, approximations like how human beings can live in gutters and survive from the worst there is to offer in those sewers?

How we, the so called evolved species, acquiesce to it, turn away from it, like it must be so natural to the insignificant among us?

In that somewhere, the theory began to slip away and I began to come to my senses, but then yet again, my mind plunged against my will, to an abyss of thought about how we don’t go climbing trees like Chimpanzees’ … or ….?

Sigh!

Ah well! We do love banana’s as well as carry our babies like they do and so on and so forth…..

Finally for the sake of my own sanity, I had to leave it to the promise that the scientist had made, of proving her theory, and now can’t wait to know the rest of it.

Ironically, sex however, is authorized legally in present times India, in contempt of the pornography of the most wacky, and deranged kind coming out every pore of the internet skin, to be had with the penetration of the penis to the vagina only!

Well that’s not considered criminal and that is how babies are born and that is how the human race goes on and on, multiplying to numbers unrestrained in our world today.

Other than the fact that the Church, the Mosque and the Temple might be constrained by regressive opinion to have to huddle to the much desired posture of restructuring themselves, realigning themselves with the current phrase of sexuality and spirituality, I don’t see much of a problem with decriminalizing homosexuality, and legalizing same sex marriages, the former which is natural, and the latter that was created by the creature born from the unholy and immoral betrothal between the Chimpanzee and the Pig when they copulated with each other once.

I would think that the Family Planning program of the Government of India would benefit a lot if homosexuality is sanctioned in India and same sex marriages are constituted and enacted. That it would also solve a huge number of issues we face with children abandoned by heterosexuals, in and out of wedlock, and left destitute by societies, because many gay and lesbian, transsexual and pansexual couples would want to raise their own children and therefore embrace to adopt.

The world will become a better place, and there would be sustained peace once men confined, were to be released from detention and granted freedom to find the love that they seek over the love enforced upon them, and therefore not resort to abusing the women whom they have been coerced to marry and live with. So wouldn’t that also resolve many of the issues that we battle with about violence against women in general?

And wouldn’t then, heterosexual men and women, relax and therefore liberate each other, not feel ill at ease with their partners relating with their own sex spontaneously?

Love would spread, which would lead to tolerance and emancipation; freedom and redemption would perhaps erase borders and throw open avenues for people across the world to appreciate each other, trust each other.

There would be no lies, no reprehensible lust.

Passion would navigate growth, tenderness would shepherd progress, respect would govern societies, and devotion would escort people through life until their passing to spirits absorbed by their souls.

Am I getting too carried away?

Should I go back to where I am, and accept my destiny to be one shackled and confined to the bourgeois inclinations of zealots who construe my prospects towards a personal hell designated by them?

No way! I’d rather think about the second Monkey sent to space by Iran today, and fantasize that the spacecraft went off the radar, envision that she finds herself in a whole new world where only honest and friendly Pigs live.

I’d rather visualize that the Monkey and a Pig get horny, make love, oral and penetrable, and a new kind of being is born in less than nine months.

Then I’d also rather imagine that the first born is Eve!

And therefore a new world emerges where all of us can go and live forever, happily ever after.